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This is "Mary".

Finding one's art voice

Hilda Doll painting

by

Dorothy Evelyn Strong

As I was painting on a picture this morning, I began to think of my mother. Amazingly, it didn't bring my arting to a halt as it sometimes does.

I began to think of how unhappy she was, maybe her whole life, but most assuredly since she was 15 and her mother hung herself in the basement one sunny day.

I don't think my mother ever fully recovered from that. And in some obscure way, I think she laid her hurt and anger at my feet. Why? I don't know, except that my aunt said I reminded her of their mother.

Anyway, my mother sought an art life. She wanted so badly to be a painter, a writer, a deep thinker. She wanted to be noticed, her efforts to be applauded. That's not so outrageous. That's normal.

She tried painting, but gave it up when she left my father. She remarried and took up painting again, and she got better at it. But I don't think she ever found her painterly voice. She never was able to just cut loose and simply enjoy playing in the paint. She did do a couple of paintings that were really good. One was a picture of an airplane that someone in aerospace bought I believe. The other was a picture of a dog, a Daschund I think it was. My sister claimed that when our mother died, and that's fine. Our mother loved my sister, so it makes sense she'd have that one.

The one picture I would have chosen for myself was the one that my step-father gave to me. I think it meant something to him. He stood there next to me as we looked at the picture and said, "This was her finest work."

That, of course, is subjective. But, it is the one and only painting of hers that I would have picked to bring home, so he gave me just the right one.

It is a picture of a Hilda doll. The reason I am attracted to it it is the facial expression she gave it. It hit me like a brick when I recognized it. It was the look she wore so often in her life. This confused, sad look, this look of sad desperation. It is subtle, but it's there, just as it was on her face.

My mother maybe never found her artistic voice, but she did do this painting that so very well expresses herself. And I doubt that she even knew she did that.

I've been able to come to terms with how my mother treated me. I now recognize that she was never happy, that poor woman. That her anger towards me wasn't from me, but from her experiences before I was born. I forgive her for it all. Sometimes I have to forgive again and again, but I do forgive her.

Having this picture here in my home has helped me recognize that she never found her voice. Every time she'd get close to finding it, she'd change course. Was she afraid of success or maybe she was afraid of cutting loose and finding that elusive joy?

During my life I never saw her cut loose and laugh a good belly laugh. She'd laugh, but good, hard laughing was something she didn't do a lot of. When she'd do it when I was a kid, she'd then burst into tears. That would ruin the moment for everyone. To be fair, I don't know if she ever laughed hard after I was grown. She didn't in front of me, but she might have at other times. I don't think she could in front of me, her love/hate thing for me was deep.

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out where to hang this painting. I've had it for 3 1/2 years now, and it still gets moved from place to place. I don't want it where I have to look at it all the time. Am thinking about the back bedroom. I do go in there daily, but wouldn't notice it constantly.

Janet

Tagged!

Old Time Me Artist tagged me to list 15 things that I'm not afraid to admit and SIX miscellaneous things about myself. I'm not very secretive, but there are things I don't want to share, so will share what I'm comfortable with. 15 things though? I don't know if I'm complicated enough to come up with 15 things! LOL I wonder why 6 things. hmmm

1. I got on the scale last night and weighed more than I have ever weighed in my life or ever thought it was possible for me to weigh. I'm in shock over it still. No, I'm not going on a diet. I never would have gotten fat if I'd never dieted.

2. I was supposed to be dead by the time I was 8 years old. I'm almost 63. I am a good statistic, if anyone is keeping them.

3. I'm tired of doll making and after the art show, I may change directions.

4. I still have a few dolls in me, and will get those made regardless of the art show.

5. I have a colorful living room, and it will be even moreso this coming Spring. I think it's my age. Really, I do. I think it takes more for me to feel certain things, and all the color is stimulating to my senses. Age, sometimes it has its compensations. Sometimes it ain't all it's cracked up to be.

6. The knee I had surgery on is not in pain, but it isn't totally right either. And my other knee will be gone eventually. I can feel it going. Not looking forward to surgery again.

7. I love alone time. I've cherished my alone time all my life.

8. I have had a long and rocky spiritual journey so far. I don't really want to be religious anymore. I believe in and love God. I cannot imagine he put us here, dared us to find the one true religion and we're doomed if we don't. God loves us more than we can imagine, and I believe that he's not hard on us like we are on ourselves and each other.

9. I need more organization in my life.

10. My hair is a mess. I'd get a crew cut and call it good, but somehow that just doesn't seem right somehow, for me. I did get one once. Didn't mean to. I was griping to a friend that I couldn't get anyone in Emporia to cut my hair short. I went to different hair dressers and they all seemed afraid to cut it short, so I'd wind up walking out of the salon with my hair the length it would be if it was growing out, a very awkward stage.

So, a friend of mine told me to go to George. She warned me, if you tell him "short", he'll go SHORT. So be very specific. I wasn't. I told him my story that no one would go short enough. I would up with darned near a crew cut. I am not exaggerating, it was a man's haircut. Like a buzz cut almost.

And you know, I was very self conscious at first, but I grew to love it. However, I've never gotten it cut that short again. Now it's in a bob. But I'd sure love to have that cut again, but I doubt I ever will.

11. I like Crocs. I have not worn any other shoes in over 6 months. My feet hurt so often, and Crocs are great. BUT, not all Crocs, just the Cayman kind I think it is called.

12. I have too many pets and wish I didn't. I used to love having animals around me all the time. Now I don't enjoy it so much. But each one individually I care about. 2 dogs, 3 cats, one bird, one spider. The spider is the best pet. She's quiet, doesn't want to cuddle, doesn't demand anything...............

13. As life gets simpler, it also gets more complicated and worrisome.

14. I didn't finish college, and really wish I had, and wish I'd majored in something truly interesting.

15. I'm not particularly afraid to die.

Misc things:

1. I wipe my keyboard down with disinfectant wipes two or three times a week, more if we are going to have company.

2. I drive a little red truck.

3. I wear glasses.

4. I wear a size 8 shoe.

5. I have an artificial left eye due to childhood cancer.

6. I have a good marriage.

Janet

Art or Crap?

I gotta tell ya. I'm planning a new direction. As soon as I'm done with stuff for that art show, I'm done with "art".

I'll tell you what I really want. I want funky and colorful. The more colorful the better. The funkier, the better. I don't want well-appointed, and I don't not want it. I mean, I just want our home to be comfortable, our sanctuary, our workshop, our studio, our place to love and be happy. For us that means using it. It is where we are.

Now that Larry isn't working, this house and property is where we are. Most of the time we are right here. This house has to be a lot besides where we gather in the evening with our feet up and the tv on.

We can't afford to do expensive projects. But we can have some fun with what we have already.

I'm feeling very

Well, I need sleep. Maybe I'll talk more tomorrow.

Janet

Janet

New pictures

Now that the 30 days of Contentment therapy is over, I will get back to this being an art blog of sorts.

Above are three pictures I drew over a period of a couple of weeks. They took hours and hours. They are all done in colored pencil, prismacolor markers, and pen and ink. They measure 9" X 12".

These were fun to do.

Last day of 30 Days of Contentment therapy

The above picture was made of tiny pheasant feathers back in the 1970s by Norman Peirce of Red Cloud, Nebraska

A friend of mine lost her husband in the wee hours this morning. They had known he was dying and had really made the last few months count. He lived several months longer than the doctors predicted. He slipped away quietly in his bed with her at his side, holding his hand. They'd been married for a very long time.

I look at my Larry and remember nearly losing him a couple of times and I am so grateful to still have him. The truth is, my life with him is content.

At the end of this 30 days of contentment I find that I don't know a whole lot more than I did at the beginning, but I do recognize something very important. One must have gratitude to find true contentment.

So, to recognize how content I actually am in my life, I can run through the long list of things I'm grateful for.

Another thing that happens when we have gratitude and are content is that laughter comes more easily. Laughter is a gift from God. He gave it to us to enjoy. It is healing as well.

Contentment helps us be less self-involved, not more. It helps us reach out to other people.

And now as the month of Contentment closes, I have so little to say on it. I'm glad I did this. I'm glad I recognize more than I did about contentment and gratitude and my life.

Somehow contentment brings my mind and heart to others. My husband, my children, my friends.

Janet

28th Day Contentment Therapy

Above is our Siamese cat Mighty Mouse. The top is a picture of him at about 3 months old I think. The next he was about 6 weeks old. Although his ears are still somewhat big, he's grown into them a bit better. He's a very sweet cat. Not a cuddly cat, but totally non-aggressive and enjoys being with us.

This long weekend I'm so lazy! I colored again, so long I felt creaky when I stood up. LOL

Our son called, and he sounded upbeat.

Larry walked to the store twice, once for dinner stuff, and once for ice cream. I don't know why we wanted ice cream. But it's pretty good!

When I first logged on here and wrote the title, I accidentally wrote "Commitment therapy." That could be taken a couple of ways! LOL But you know, I was thinking, maybe that's what I need to do next month, commit myself to my physical health. I have another blog about my journey back to health that is being ignored. Maybe in December, I'll write on that blog about my commitment to regaining strength and better health. Maybe my writing that on my title today was a message I gave myself about what I need to do next.

So, as soon as this month is over, maybe I'll switch over there and do that, commit to my physical health. That will involve a lot of prayer.

I started out the month praying better than have been the past few days. It's interesting how when I have a need or am sad or worried, I'll pray one continuous prayer.

I need to do that again too. I do have something weighing on my heart, making me sad and worried. Prayer always helps.

I am content in my relationship with God. I don't feel the need to fight for it or worry about it. It's there and I feel good about God. He is always with me, even when I'm ignoring him.

Thank you to anyone who has read any of my posts on this blog. I know it isn't well read, but it has sure helped me to post this stuff this month. Thanks Mary Ellen. And thanks Sher for being there for me.

Janet